It’s hard for me to write this but I wanted to share what we have been going through these past couple months. In July, Adam and I decided to start trying to conceive.  3 months later, I had a positive pregnancy test!  The day we found out, we were SO excited. But that excitement only lasted a couple days. I woke up in the middle of the night two days after we found out with extreme cramping and bleeding. I knew immediately that the pregnancy was over. The doctor confirmed it the next day with a blood test. It was painful, physically and emotionally. What was wrong with me? Why did this happen? Questions that I knew could never be answered. But, I tried to be strong and wanted to push past this and try again. Since this was considered a chemical pregnancy (VERY EARLY loss), we were able to try again immediately.

The following month, I was about a week late and took another test- positive! But this time I didn’t want to get too excited. I wanted to take a couple blood tests to make sure my levels were okay. Turns out they were not. The HCG hormone was not doubling as it should; it was barely rising up at all. And I had started spotting. The doctor told me I was probably going to start bleeding soon and miscarry. So I thought to myself, here we go again. I thought for sure something was wrong with me. What if I’m not able to have a baby? I had gotten pregnant two months in row and instantly lost them both.  Little did I know, this “miscarriage” was not going to be like the last.

About a week after that positive pregnancy test I was still spotting and I had some weird side pain. And of course, my mind started to wander- as did my google searching. I feared I had what was called an ectopic pregnancy. An ectopic pregnancy is a pregnancy that gets stuck in the fallopian tube instead of making it to the uterus. It’s rare, but can be dangerous and life threatening. I drove myself nuts googling the symptoms and trying to stay calm. I had no ‘normal’ risk factors however, so I figured it was all in my head. But one night, I had freaked myself out so bad, and still had the pain in my side, I decided to go to the ER. I was reading these horror stories about women’s fallopian tubes rupturing so I wanted to get checked out for peace of mind. They did an internal ultrasound and blood tests and my HCG levels were actually going up slightly and saw nothing on the ultrasound. They actually congratulated me on the pregnancy and sent me home.

My spotting turned to bleeding that next morning and now I knew I was miscarrying. I called my doctor the next day to let them know about the hospital visit and the bleeding. They sent me in for another blood test the following day. The HCG levels did rise again, but again not by much. They told me the pregnancy was not viable and that the bleeding was my body getting rid of it.

Fast forward two weeks …I was still bleeding. I didn’t know if two weeks was too long or just my body figuring itself out but I called my doctor to let them know. They brought me in for an exam and more blood work. The doctor let me know my body was probably just holding on to some tissue and that they wanted to do a D&C. Since my body was not getting rid of it by itself, they had to put me under and remove the pregnancy tissue. I hate being put to sleep. But, I went in to day surgery on a Friday and got it over with. I was upset and over all of it, but I was ready for this to be done with so we could move on. It had been almost a month since I was told the pregnancy was not viable, so I really was ready to move on.

The weekend went well after the D&C, just a little crampy and that was expected. On Monday, I went to work feeling better. The bleeding had stopped and I figured all was good to go. Around lunch I got a call from the doctor- the pathology report had come back and the tissue from the D&C had no pregnancy attached. So, back I went for another blood test. Back to Google searching I go. All signs pointed to an ectopic pregnancy. The doctor at this point feared that it may be ectopic as well and told me that if I at any point am doubling over in pain to immediately go to the ER…great.

Monday night I woke up with bad pain in my left side. I took some ibuprofen and put on my heating pad but my side was still throbbing. Now I was terrified. Is this the pain the doctor was referring to? It couldn’t be. I wasn’t doubled over- but it did really hurt. Somehow I was able to fall back asleep. Tuesday morning, I woke up and still had the pain in my left side. I called the doctor the minute they opened- scared that it really was an ectopic pregnancy and that the tube could be rupturing. The nurse on the phone confirmed my fear- the blood test results were in and my HCG level rose again. I was technically still pregnant, and NOT in my uterus. She had me come into the office immediately to do an internal ultrasound. It was then that the doctor saw that I was internally bleeding as my stomach was filled with blood.

I was rushed to the hospital where they did a laparoscopic surgery. They made an incision on both sides of my stomach and my belly button. I woke up completely out of it and to the news that my left fallopian tube was damaged, leaking and causing the internal bleeding into my stomach. The doctor had to remove 2 liters of blood from my stomach and my left fallopian tube. I was devastated. And I was in so much pain.

The next couple days were a blur- I slept a lot. And cried a lot. Adam was amazing and helped me physically and emotionally trying his best to cheer me up. The problem was, once the pain started to subside, the real sadness started to set in. I’ve never gone through something this emotionally draining in my life.

The only thing I have ever wanted is to have a family. And I married a man with the same dream. It breaks my heart that this happened and I am terrified to try again. The doctors are very optimistic and don’t think we’ll have any issue when we do start trying again but it’s hard to be optimistic at this point. I’m hoping when we do start trying again, that I can find, and keep a positive mindset.

It’s hard when I watch people around me getting pregnant and having children without a problem. Why did this happen to me?  It’s hard not to let my mind wander into a dark place.

I don’t want people to feel bad for me. I wanted to share this story because I feel so isolated. Don’t get me wrong, my husband, friends and family have been a great support system, but have never been through this. I’m hoping I can find success stories from women that have gone through an ectopic pregnancy and that were able to have healthy pregnancies after. I have of course been finding some success stories online, but it would be great to be able to talk to someone who has been through this and has had a successful outcome.

Here’s to staying positive and hoping 2019 is a better year!!