I have one word that really sums up trying to conceive after having a miscarriage and an ectopic pregnancy. Terrified. I am absolutely terrified to start trying again. After 3 long months, we finally got the ‘all clear’ to start trying again. And yes, I am scared. Scared for two different reasons.

The first being- what if I do get pregnant again- and something bad happens again. After having an ectopic, I’m now at a higher risk of having another. And if it’s not ectopic, miscarriages happen more often than anyone thinks, unfortunately. I guess the good news about being a high risk is that as soon as I do get that positive test, the doctors will start monitoring me immediately. But, if another ectopic of miscarriage is going to happen, it’s going to happen. Nothing is going to stop it- monitoring me or not.

The second reason I’m terrified is the thought of ‘what if I can’t get pregnant?’ I am down a tube so my chances already fall slightly. I’ve thought about going to a fertility clinic but I’m not sure I’m ready to deal with that reality yet. If they have good news for me, sure, that may help put me at ease. But, what if they don’t?

Since my ectopic, I’ve joined two groups on Facebook filled with women who have gone through similar experiences. It’s wonderful to know I’m not alone, but it’s also heartbreaking to hear that so many other women have gone through something so awful. And some of these women have gone through it multiple times. Honestly, I’m not sure if I would be okay if this happened again. I feel like I barely made it through the first time. I have a lot of respect for the women who put on a bold face and keep trying.

One of the groups I joined on Facebook is called ‘Hope After an Ectopic’. I go back and forth about whether I should read the posts or not. The women in this group are all women who have had an ectopic pregnancy, but had a successful pregnancy afterwards. Some of the stories I read make me so hopeful and excited that one day I can be a part of the successful statistics. But other times I’m reminded I’ve had two pregnancies, and zero babies.

I did hear a quote that really resonated with me, from an unlikely place the other day. I was watching Very Cavallari, yes I know- an odd place to hear an inspirational quote. But anyways, one of the women on the show was had difficulties conceiving and was talking to another woman about being older and how she could freeze her eggs if she wanted to be a mother someday. She said something- and I don’t remember it word for word, but something like ‘If you want to be a mother, you will be. No matter how it happens- naturally, through adoption, IVF, from a surrogate- no matter how it happens, if you want to be a mother, you will be.’

It hit me pretty hard. I guess it doesn’t matter how it happens, but I do know that I’m supposed to be a mother. I’ve wanted kids for as long as I can remember, and I know somehow, I will have kids and be the mother I’ve always wanted to be someday.